Having second thoughts

Hey there! I've been away for a month again. Well, it was not because I had no time to write in here but because I do not know what will I share.

As of now, if you ask how am I, of course I would say, "I'm fine." But despite of that response, my real answer is... "I'm not fine because I'm having second thoughts." I really do not know which of the things that is happening to me right now made me feel that way. It was just so many things that I know I can handle, but unfortunately not doing something about it.

Let's start with my organizations at school. I am currently a News Writer of Benildean Press Corps in The Benildean, our official school newspaper.  At first, I was excited to see my article in the paper that will be published. But now, I am having second thoughts. It seems like I want to quit already. I just do not feel that I am that welcomed to the office. I do not care whether I will get the benefits being offered. I just do not like the way that people are speaking there. I felt that I do not belong.

Second, it is about "best friend." I do not know if we are still best friends. Right now, I felt that I was just his secretary, his tutor, and his someone-that-helps-him-whenever-he-cannot-do-something friend. I felt that I am just used by him for his own benefits.  Whenever I ask favors from him, he usually would not do it. Unlike when he asks me some favor, if I will not do it, then he will be mad at me. See? He is so one-sided. He only wants good things for himself only.  He also skips classes. Because of those reasons, I think I do not like him already. In common terms, "Na-turn off ako sa kanya." I really felt bad whenever I'm with him and my other friend, which I will call "Bench." I felt that I am just someone that is his personal assistant. I even felt that I am not a friend. I am nobody to him.

Lastly, I'm having second thoughts because I do not know what to do right now. I've got so many problems that if I listed it, then it will be very long. How will I ever overcome these things? Would I just cry and think of positive things? Will I have the guts to continue all the things that I originally planned? Why is there so many conflicts? Can You just give me one after I solved the other one? What the Fudge!!!!

There.. I already said my feelings. Sorry for being so emotional. I just do not know how will I say this to anybody. I don't know what to feel and what to do. Yes, I love my life but I hate this part of my life. If this is only erasable, I would really erase this. I don't want things to go this way. But I guess these things that are happening right now have reasons. I just don't know what it is.  I would just pray to God to give me strength to overcome the trials and do something for it to stop.

SMILE - I need this thing. I want to bring this back to my face. I don't want it to fade. Please, give me reasons for this to stay. If not now, maybe as soon as possible. Please return it to me before I might forget it.